Human Behaviors Cats Will Never Understand

Humans. Who can understand them? They even confuse other humans. Entire fields of research are dedicated to the Human Condition. Maybe I ought to take a few classes, but there are things I believe I will never understand.

Cooking their food

Meat is meant to be eaten off the bones of a fresh kill. Delectable textures and tastes are irrevocably lost when this flesh is exposed to a heat source. I’ve read their excuses about bacteria and the like, but humans wouldn’t have lost the gut flora necessary to deal with food-borne illnesses if they didn’t start cooking the meat in the first place. Why did you do it?

Taking pictures

I have come to the conclusion that you, my bipedal readers, have terrible memory and that is why you take so many pictures and create entire digital ecosystems based on them (you can find me on Instagram, by the way). To be fair, it may be because of your uselessly-long lives; it’s difficult to keep everything in one’s mind after a few years. Part of the reason why these posts are adorned with portraits of yours truly is so you don’t forget what I look like. So that’s my theory, but even then, it doesn’t explain the whole obsession. I don’t understand it.

Washing with water

Gross. Ever tried saliva?

Shaving

What are you doing? There’s a reason you have all of that hair, although it’s nowhere near as glorious as our fur (sorry, naked cats). No wonder you have to keep piling on clothes to stay warm. What are you thinking?

Raising dogs, but not for food

Seriously, why? They smell, they’re dumb, and they can’t clean themselves. Have you ever seen a dog writing a blog? That’s rhetorical; don’t look it up. Sure, they can be affectionate, but so can we! My human staff keep calling me a love cat. Speaking of which…

Naming everything again and again

As I’ve previously discussed, my bipedal family gives me many names. Why? It’s just so confusing. According to them, my full name appears to be Biscuit Boo, not that I’ll ever use it. It’s Biscuit, or Mr. Biscuit to you. Sometimes, “Biscuit” also appears to be a warning, when I’m about to do something that belongs on their  naughty list, which happens more often than you’d think, but that’s a different topic altogether. The point is there’s too many names.

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There are assuredly many more behaviors we cats will never understand, but this is a sufficient sampling for the nonce. I know that humans stay up all day (something else I’ll never get!), but I have to go take a nap. It’s good for you.

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