Mr. Biscuit’s Non-Review of Captain Marvel

“Wait a minute, Mr. Biscuit,” you may be saying, and thank you for using my proper title. “Captain Marvel is not a cat-themed movie.” From what I understand, it is the story of a woman with superpowers and a ginger cat named Goose fighting shape-shifting aliens. If that’s not in my wheelhouse, I don’t know what is.

Just like my previous non-review, I was not allowed to see Captain Marvel in theaters. Or at all. As such, I will create my own story based on the aforementioned facts. Here we go.

CAPTAIN MARVEL

by Mr. Biscuit

CAROL DENVERS is flying her fighter jet over a coastal region. The ocean is a bright turquoise. Two jets follow behind.

Carol: Now entering the designated zone. No problem so far.

The zone is a euphemism for the BERMUDA TRIANGLE.

HQ: Keep us advised, and stay sharp, Denvers.

Carol: Copy that.

The camera shows the needles in the cockpit swinging wildly.

Carol: Hold on, HQ. I’ve got interference or something. My instruments are going haywire. HQ? Do you copy? John? Linda?

She turns her helmeted head around, but the other planes are gone. The screen shakes and Carol’s fighter goes into a dive.

Carol: Mayday! Mayday! I’m going down!

The water is getting closer and closer. She pulls on the stick with all of her might, to no avail. The screen goes black and all is silent.

Waves lapping the beach. Sunlight shining on broad leaves. Sights and sounds wake Carol to the smell of the ocean. She rises, wet, covered with sand and seaweed. There is no sign of her jet.

???: You’re awake. About time.

Carol looks around and finds, to her surprise, a HANDSOME GINGER CAT sitting further up the beach. She looks beyond him to find the source of the voice.

Cat: Down here, human.

She jumps.

Carol: You can talk?!

Clearly, someone hasn’t been reading The Mr. Biscuit Blog.

Cat: Well duh. I’ve been stranded here for a while, but it looks like you’ll be my ticket off this rock.

She is still reeling from this discovery, but her pragmatic mind kicks into gear.

Carol: I’d love to, kitty, but it looks like none of my equipment made it here with me.

Cat: Never mind that, and don’t call me kitty! I’m a superior life form, you know.

He tells her his name, his long, complex, alien-sounding name. She furrows her brow.

Carol: That’s way too hard.

Cat: It’s not. I left out my middle name and everything. Repeat after me: Guztavedinerati…

Carol: No, no, no. Goose is enough.

Goose: But that’s not my name.

Carol: It is now.

He swishes his tail in annoyance.

Goose: Whatever. Human minds are so simple. Well, let’s go to it, shall we?

Carol: To what?

Goose: Is your heart pure and true, Earth kin?

Carol: Uh… I guess?

Goose: Do you swear to uphold justice, freedom, and the Feline Way?

Carol: The what now?

Goose: Say yes.

Carol: Yes.

Goose: Good enough. I now bestow upon you the power that resides within me, the spark that has captivated your species and countless others the universe over, that melting of your heart you feel when you look into my eyes…

The picture has closed in on Mr. Bis… I mean Goose, zooming very close to his bright, yellow eyes.

Goose: The power of Marvel.

A yellow glow envelops Carol and she takes off, tracing a long trail into the sky.

[Back at HQ]

Carol is now wearing a kick-ass superhero ARMOR-SUIT THINGY. Goose is sitting on a black table. An older man is also seated there, wearing a uniform and all manners of medals and military shinies.

Goose: That’s why the area you call the Bermuda Triangle is disabling all of your crafts, general. It’s the staging ground for an alien invasion. My people have been fighting them for eons.

General: By golly! Do you know if they have any other bases in the area?

Goose: They could be anywhere.

Carol: They’re shape-shifters.

General: That spells trouble with a capital T.

An aide walks over to give the general a report.

Aide: The last readings we received from the instruments, sir.

Goose narrows his eyes, his pupils dilated.

Goose: Look out! She’s one of them!

Horrified at being discovered, the aide reaches inside her jacket and pulls out a gun. Carol knocks it out of her hand. The alien roars and transforms into a large golden retriever.

General: What the…?!

Goose: That’s its true form!

It lets loose a supersonic scream, deafening everyone in the area. Carol grits her teeth and sends a blast of energy at the furry alien, knocking it unconscious.

General: They look like dogs?

Goose: They are dogs.

General: By golly.

Carol: We have to take care of the staging ground.

General: How? We can’t reach it.

Goose: Carol can do it. She can get there.

General: Because of that special power, huh? Maybe we should call you Captain Marvel.

Goose: What? No. That’s a terrible name.

Carol: I like it.

Goose: Ugh! Humans.

Later, as Captain Marvel is putting on her new helmet, a SUPERSONIC CARRIER is being prepared for Goose.

Carol: Say, if you have this power inside of you, how come you can’t fly and shoot cosmic energy like I can?

Goose: I don’t know. Plot reasons.

Carol: Of course.

[Over the Atlantic Ocean]

Carol is carrying Goose’s transport as they fly through the sky.

Carol: I’m about to cross into the designated zone, HQ.

Ripples appear around her and a huge floating fortress is revealed below.

Carol: Golly.

As they get closer, they can see the aliens are not bothering to hide their true forms: the dogs are wearing canine armor and LASER GUNS strapped to their heads. Carol has to dodge several laser beams before she can land and let the cat out.

Goose: There’s nothing I hate more than the smell of wet dog.

Dog: How do you like this!

An unseen dog shoots at Goose, who arches his back, narrowly avoiding the attack. Captain Marvel lets loose with a shot of her own and knocks the enemy aside.

Goose: Get to work, sister.

Carol: Did your giving me this power create a bond between us, or…

Goose: It’s just human slang.

Carol: Gotcha.

She takes off and starts blasting furry vermin left and right. Chinchillas, German shepherds, collies, and specimens of many other breeds swarm out of the base to fight the lone human.

Carol: There’s too many!

Goose: You need to get inside and disable the Interference Generator so your army friends can get here.

She flies to one of the doggie doors, but it’s clearly too small for her.

Carol: I can’t get in!

Goose: Leave it to me.

The handsome cat sneaks inside the base. At that moment, on the deck, a huge part of the platform splits open: it is actually a hatch, and out comes a GIANT ROBOT DOG.

Carol: Goose? Please hurry.

Inside the base, Goose is running as fast as his long legs can take him, which is pretty damn fast, and the spectacle is as graceful as you would expect, until he comes face to face with a Saint Bernard. The dog shoves him aside like a twig, for Goose is one lithe cat.

Outside, Carol is having a hard time dodging MechaDog’s attacks. Worse, the floor is opening again, and a second robot appears.

Carol: I could really use some backup here!

Goose: Little busy at the moment!

He ducks out of the way of a charge from his assailant, who runs into the wall, knocking it down in a tremendous crash.

Goose: Caught a break!

Carol: Good, because I’m about to be marvel dust!

It is all the bipedal hero can do to fly out of the way. When she tries to retaliate, a missile slams into her and the explosion knocks her into the rungs of a ladder. Captain Marvel is not doing so good.

When Goose breaks into the control room, five whippet heads snap to attention, staring straight at him.

Goose: I can totally do this. I can do this.

They leap at him.

Goose: I can’t do this!

Goose runs for his life as lasers barely miss his luxurious fur.

On the deck, one of the giant robot dogs opens its mouth and out comes a humongous canon. It takes aim at its enemy, who is using the ladder to get to her feet.

Carol: Bingo.

She shoots twin beams of energy at the opening. The robot’s head explodes.

Goose: Help!

Carol looks at the cold structure and senses a link to a kindred energy. She aims a short distance behind it. The whippets vanish in a blast a light that crashes through the wall.

Goose: You’re a fast learner! Good human.

As Captain Marvel takes on the remaining robot and yet a third still in the process of emerging, her cat partner returns to the control room and hits a bunch of buttons. The air outside shimmers once again.

Carol: HQ, do you read?

General: Loud and clear, Captain.

Carol: Lock onto my position and…

She casually blasts away a MechaDog.

Carol: Bring a clean-up crew.

Goose struts out of the base and Carol lands by him.

Carol: Good work, Goose.

Goose: You too, Carol.

Carol: What are you going to do now?

Goose: That depends.

He gives the superhero his most serious look.

Goose: Do you have fuzzy blankets at home?

Carol: I could pick some up on the way.

Goose: Then what are we waiting for?

As fighter jets fly overhead and battleships loom on the horizon, Captain Marvel picks up the supersonic carrier and blasts off in a blaze of glory.

THE END

What? Audiences love military-positive movies.

I compel you with the power of marvel!

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