Mr. Biscuit’s Non-Review of Black Panther

Your favorite feline blogger had every intention of writing a comprehensive review of the most important cat flick released in his lifetime. Unfortunately, Mr. Biscuit was not allowed to see it because of alleged rules against animals in theaters. Preposterous, I know. Instead, I will share with you my personal version of what I believe the movie to be. Get ready for a treat!

Opening scene: The camera slowly pans across dozens, hundreds, and soon thousands of cages containing defenseless animals. Walking among the nearly-endless rows of cages are humans, armed with whips. Then, we see a handsome ginger tabby with matted fur reduced to whimpering by his mistreatment. His strength is about to give out, but, as he lays on his side, the spirit of a great black cat appears to him.

GHOST CAT: You have been chosen to end the suffering of your brothers and sisters, my child. I give you my power so that you may rise and end this tyranny.

A purple light engulfs the dashing young cat and his head suddenly lifts, his eyes alert. Back to his paws, he runs to the cage door and leaps, transforming into the BLACK PANTHER! The door is thrust into the side of another cage and the panther roars. Witnessing this, the surrounding animals straighten, hope shining in their eyes once more.

Human guards come running at this unruly slave, but the panther jumps and kicks one of them back soundly. Another whips the great cat, but the next strike is not so successful as the panther catches the leather cord in his mouth. Our hero pulls, spins, and kicks the guard, who falls prone to the floor. The BLACK PANTHER lets out a mighty roar, and animal cries of all kinds join in the celebration of their coming freedom.

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Meow! This writing work is tiresome. In true Hollywood fashion, let us bullet-point the rest of the movie:

    • During the initial fighting, a gorgeous Abyssinian cat is shown tripping a guard and is later revealed to be the love interest
    • The animals escape to a nearby jungle, where they set up camp
    • Cue the construction montage and its uplifting, swelling soundtrack
    • A chimpanzee sneaks out of the jungle to meet with a human general and helps him figure out where the defenses are located by pointing on a map; the general gives him a banana bunch, stating, “There’s more where that came from.” His eyes are pure evil
    • The BLACK PANTHER, in his normal ginger form, and the pretty Abyssinian sit on one of the highest branches of a tall tree and talk about reasserting their ancestral heritage and living under their own terms. Then, they playfully chase each other through the foliage and under the starry sky
    • The HUMAN ARMY, intent on maintaining the hegemony of its race over anything and everything, swarms into the jungle and takes advantage of the intelligence given by the bipedal traitor to make short work of their defenses
    • Cue shots of slain animal defenders
    • Our ginger hero transforms into the BLACK PANTHER and fights alongside his Abyssinian mate and a group of faithful friends
    • Abby is injured, but when she is about to die, the spirit of the great black cat appears and gives her the power of the BLACK PANTHER as well
    • After much ass-kicking and special effects, it comes down to the panthers and the honorless general, but his tricks cannot save him and he bites the dust at the conclusion of a set-piece action sequence
    • His second-in-command, the only human woman in the movie (again, following the Hollywood blueprint), declares peace with the animals
    • Ginger and Abby, mighty protectors of their people, become KING and QUEEN of the new ANIMAL KINGDOM
    • FIN

Final score: Four mice and half a cheese wheel
🐭🐭🐭🐭🧀🧀

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